On The Eve of Kindergarten Graduation

Dear Giovanni & Jacob,

I have a lot of favorite quotes but the one that sits at eye level while I plug  away at my desk is one I found on a plague inside a magazine before you were ever born.

“Impossible is not a definite…It’s a dare.”

I have always believed you were the result of a dare. A bet I made with God, the universe and my own body that resulted in a conception, pregnancy and your existence in the world that I still stutter over and find hard to believe.

For the years before you came into my life I had grown used to bargaining with the fates for a variety of things. I was an open hearted optimist but I was also unlucky. It seemed that things always worked out but never in the way I had ever expected.

So when infertility took hold of my life and threatened my sanity and tenacity I dug deep for the hope I had held in reserve.

Optimism, I learned, is nothing without resistance.

For there is always something that will push back as you push forward.

My body resisted unassisted pregnancies, my ovaries resisted Clomid, my skin resisted needles and my own mind resisted as I sat staring at the picture of two small embryos, perfect in every way that would be deposited in my uterus.

The image offered no guarantees, only the universe and finally the doctors that asked about transferring both.

I dare you.”  They seemed to say.

My whole pregnancy dared me.

Defied me to simply stay that way from the moment we realized you were twins, onto the everlasting nausea followed up by the unexpected (and terrifying) bed rest to your arrival at 35 weeks happy, healthy and whole.

And through it all I knew I was playing a game of chance; rolling the dice, betting on the house, taunting my luck.

Tomorrow you are going to graduate from Kindergarten.

There are a lot of parents around me that are lamenting their babies growing up too fast, begging the universe to let their children stay little a while longer.

I am not one of those parents.

While I love you with my whole heart, I have never asked life to slow down a little for me when it came to you. Sure, I am genuinely surprised when I realize how tall or articulate you’ve become and  it scares the pants off me to know that you are smart and capable of things, it even confuses me to come to terms with you being old enough to move from Kindergarten to First Grade.

But I, in no way, wish for anything but what we have.

I told a fellow mommy yesterday, “Well if I was wishing for that it means I’m not grateful for what I have. What is the alternative? Children who stay six forever? There are other people who are going to be parenting children that will stay six either mentally or physically or both for a lifetime. There are others who never got to be called “mommy or daddy” or lost their children well before six. Nope, I said, I’m happy right here and now, with the boys I was so lucky to be given.”

Throughout this year we met new people, we participated in new activities and we established a new routine. And with each new transition we adjusted and learned more than we could have if we had stood still, afraid to move forward or allow change into our lives.

And the world dared us anyway.

We suffered a crushing loss; we have been tested in ways that could have broken us a family and yet we are here. Maybe it’s pure laziness or even the act of merely letting life take us where it will without a lot of push back, but I’ve found that it’s  in those moments that I feel fully present because I am not fighting the dare.

I have seen you grow, change, accept and test the boundaries so much this year that I know my eyes will tear and well and spill over tomorrow night as I sit in church and realize that you’ve finished another milestone and are ready for the next one. I am not ashamed of those tears for they are born of gratitude and pride instead of lament or denial.

I know that tomorrow is just another first step toward another first step on your way to your dreams.

Remember nothing is impossible (and that you come from a powerful place of defying the odds)

Now go get them, my beautiful boys.

I dare ya.

Xo

June2014CollageofBoys1stdaylastday

 a post based on the word “dare” 

Mama’s Losin’ It
and linking up with Mel and Michele (two of my favorite ladies) for 
Ketchup with Us

olddognewtits.com

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Comments

  1. Look at your beautiful boys. I do think it’s so important to enjoy whatever stage that our kids are in. I can’t believe that my youngest is getting so big, but it’s also exciting.
    Shell recently shared…Keep Your Mom-Sanity This SummerMy Profile

  2. Well said! It is always a dare to reach out and take life as it comes, with all the good and the bad. Some people cannot handle it. But you did it, and your boys will, too. Bring a box of tissues to share tomorrow!
    Tina recently shared…Pinterest PopcornMy Profile

  3. Fantastic way to use the topic of a dare! Hard to believe that kindergarten comes as goes as quickly as it does! Our darlin’ graduates next week! I truly enjoyed you letter to your treasures!

    ~stopping by from Mama Kat’s
    Nomadic Living recently shared…Don’t forget a SmileMy Profile

  4. This is an awesome reminder to live fully in the present. You are so right – be thankful for the now, you wouldn’t want your kids to not be growing!
    Jerralea recently shared…Dare to BelieveMy Profile

  5. Such a proud happy day to see your little ones succeed and achieve a milestone. Enjoy each day with them…then you will have no regrets as they grow older and bigger. You will know in your heart that you enjoyed every single minute! ♥
    Kathy Combs recently shared…The VisitorsMy Profile

  6. What adorable little boys you have. As a mother all I can say is wait until the teen years. :-)

  7. The shirts may still fit just fine, but look at how their faces are more mature now. Those boys are wiser now for sure.
    May recently shared…Summer of 1983: Sparks FlewMy Profile

  8. Kir, I love your perspective on rejoicing your boys growing up, and not begging them to stay small (personally, I find it a little morbid when people say, “don’t grow up” because that to me means not-very-good-things, of which I can’t even say out loud). May your miracle babies grow up strong and amazing like their mother – they’re already on the path there! Happy Kindergarten Graduation, Gio and Jacob!
    Alison recently shared…Stop Talking About Things You Know Nothing OfMy Profile

  9. “my own mind resisted as I sat staring at the picture of two small embryos.”

    Boy, do I feel you on this one, Kir. Hug those babies. (They are TOTALLY still babies, you know.) And be glad for yourself … and them … that you took the time to put this beautiful sentiment down in writing,

    And thanks so much for sharing it at Ketchup With Us. Please come back and see us again on the 15th.
    OldDogNewTits recently shared…The Last FOUR Pictures I TweetedMy Profile

  10. Oh, I love this Kir. You all have been through a lot to get to this place and it’s only going to be an adventure from here!
    Greta Funk recently shared…Through The Lens Thursday: SunsetMy Profile

  11. Kir, this is beautiful. My Dad is always talking about missing the little girl I used to be and I so badly didn’t want to do that as a parent. I never want to wish away the present in preference of the past, which we will never be able to grasp. I too picture terrible things when people say they don’t want their children to grow up. As hard as it is, our job is to HELP THEM GROW UP. I loved them yesterday and the day they were born, but I love them today, and I will love them each day as they grow and learn and experience.

    I adored this post, Kir.
    Laura recently shared…That Time I Talked with John GreenMy Profile

  12. I admit that I am a mom that talks about holding on and about time passing too quickly. But as I read your words I realized that those feelings are based on gratitude and pride and not regret. I could never regret that they are growing and reaching new heights – that is how it should be right? I think I mark each passing stage in my heart before I greet the next. And each new step we take – they take – always brings new joys.
    Happy Graduation to your lovely boys.
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  13. Beautiful post! (And what lovely young men you have :) )

    They do grow up so fast. For me, I waver between missing their younger selves and admiring their maturity. (Mostly, I miss the hugs I used to get from my older son…. he’s a couple months away from 12 and that’s a thing of the past. My younger son will still hug me, but I know I’ll be sad when he pushes away. He’ll still be my baby, though.)
    JannaTWrites recently shared…Over-Thinkers Anonymous (but it’s not really anonymous because you know my name…)My Profile

  14. KINDERGARTEN! This is amazing. I love your boys so much, my dear Kir. And you. You dared the universe, and look what it gave you. I never wish for my child to stay young. I crave every new milestone, every step. I love watching him get older and grow into the amazing little man he is and will forever be. It’s the same with your boys. I love watching them grow, even if only through social media and your blog. I feel honored to have your friendship, and that you share these incredible little men with us.
    Roxanne recently shared…25 Reasons I Call Him My BoyfriendMy Profile

  15. Your words are stunning. And your boys even more so. I too love how you don’t wish for your boys to stay this age forever. I think that one of the things that I’ve loved the most about being a parent is watching as my boys grow into themselves – their bodies, their personalities, their essence. It takes my breath away sometimes when I think about it. Congrats to your boys and you!
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